69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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