Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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