You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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