there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
