he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
