You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
