I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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