I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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