Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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