so let's talk penis.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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