i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
