I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
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i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
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I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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