Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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