I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
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Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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