Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
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I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
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If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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