hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
