Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
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Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
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You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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