He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Randomize
