i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
