I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize