the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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