Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
