I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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