I accidentally burped into my bong.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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