one word: firstdatebathroomanal
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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