I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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