I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
