If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
