i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
