My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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