i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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