From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
