Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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