I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
