i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
