I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
