omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
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