dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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