how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
