I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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