I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
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Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
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Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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