How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
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