just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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