I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
