Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
