I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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