a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
