On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
