No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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