I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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