My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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