so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
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he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
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i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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