I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
