Please, let me fuck your mom
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
