I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
