see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
