they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
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you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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