So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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