I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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