Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
