I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
