you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
