No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
